It was 4 yrs. ago this May 29th that my dad passed away from cancer. You would think it would get a little easier the longer it has been...but I still find myself still amazed that he is not here. I think I might be more emotional because I am pregnant- but the shock of him being gone still hasn't gone away. Still!
You must know that I am a BIG TIME daddy's girl. So I took it very hard. He was diagnosed with Mesothelioma, a cancer of the lungs from asbestos poisining. (This was before they knew it caused cancer and used it for many uses.) And he lived in misery for about 2 1/2 yrs...and lived pretty normal for another 2 1/2 yrs. once diagnosed. He was getting alternative treatments from a doctor in Mexico and responding to it so well. He was a given 6 months to live and lived 5! Amazing huh?
I decided to even write about this subject because last night I was thinking about him...and relived the last day of his life in a dream. It is such a strong memory. We (my family) were all sleeping in his room at the Hospice location- and it was super hard to sleep because he breathed so loud through his mouth struggling with each breath. The sound was aweful. And finally most of us fell asleep after 4 am...and the nurse came in to give him his Morphine shot (he was in an incredible amount of pain and just underwent dialysis). I woke up to her voice saying...Dennis has passed. Seeing my sweet dad lay there not breathing- and lifeless in his eyes...was beyond words for me. His body went cold after a minute or so...and then they had to remove him to the morge.
I just wish my dad was still here so badly! It is so selfish of me to want something that doesn't coincide with God's will...and I do accept it most times. I just want him to see my kids and be here for hard times (like right now) and to be there for me. I do not presently have a wonderful relationship with my mom- so I feel quite lonely sometimes.
I hope I didn't put on too much of a sob story for you all...and don't get me wrong- I know without a doubt he is much happier, and isn't in so much pain, and miserable anymore. I just have to convince myself that it really isn't that long before I will see him again. (It just feels like a long time to me!) Our perspective on time on this earth is so limiting. I do miss my sweet dad and hope he knows how much I so very much love him.
21 comments:
Cyber Hugs! I am so sorry about your Dad, it never quite seems fair when they are taken so early. I don't know how people manage without the knowledge they'll get to see them again and that mortality is such a short moment. If you need to get out and go get some ice cream let me know, it's my treat!!!
I am so sorry about your dad. He is up there watching over you and your sweet family and loves you so much. You have a sweet guardian angel. I couldnt imagine losing my dad like you I am a big daddys girl he means the world to me.
I totally know how those memories are..so bitter sweet. I'm so glad I found your cute blog though! (through McCleary's)... ours is justinandmichellemenlove.blogspot.com and we need to go to that kitchen whatever place!
Britt,
I loved the tribute to you dad. I still remember going to his funeral - I can't believe that was 4 years ago! How's the pregnancy going? Seriously, if you need anything let me know. We need to get togehter, I miss you. Oh yeah, of course we haven't had the baby blessing, I would have let you know. We are going to have it July 6th (I think) so that my dad can make it. Let me know if you will be in town!
My eyes were moist as I read your blog. One of my favorite things he did was when he started to laugh real hard. I can still hear the laugh in my head. I hope I never forget that sound. Are you planning on doing anything in memory of him tomorrow?
That must have been so hard. I'm sorry for that. I can only imagine when you get to see him again!
What a sweet tribute to your dad. It must have been really hard those last few days. I bet he is up there playing and watching over your little guy right now. I hope you are feeling okay and everything is going well. My offer still stands- if you need a break I would love to take your kids.
Brit, I am glad you posted about your dad. How lucky we are to have the knowledge we do about the afterlife. I don't know what we would do without it. If you ever need anything don't hesitate to let me know.
I love that picture of you and your Dad, that is priceless. I bet it is so hard to lose someone you love so much, I am so sorry!
Britt, your dad was such a neat guy! He had such a fun personality, I just loved how he always liked to joke around! I definitely see where you got your sense of humor! I remember all our trips to Mexico with him, he is obviously very missed and loved! I am so excited that you are coming down in a few weeks! You know you always have a place to stay!
I'm really sorry about your dad. He must have been a great guy. It's always hard to lose the people we love so much.
i'm so sorry about your dad. someday (hopefully a long time from now) there will be a great reunion! miss you.
I can't believe that it really has been 4 years. And the strange part for me is that Brandon and I met that September. Sometimes I wish we would have met sooner, so that I could have met your dad. I do enjoying listening to stories about him though. Hope you are doing well. Can't wait to see you guys.
I am so sorry Britt, I can't imagine the feelings that come along with that part of your life. You are amazing to be able to do it! If you ever need someone to talk to..I'm just a phone call away! = ) Sorry again, your post almost made me cry! So sweet.
What a great way to remember your dad. I'm sure you cried while posting this, and the rest of us cried while reading it. You are a strong woman and I can't imagine how hard this must still be for you. Any time you feel lonely, look at the comments on your blog. I get excited when I get one comment! It's like getting mail, so exciting! You have tons of comments, tons of people who care about you. The Lord does give us trials, but he also gives us tools to make life easier and better. Your tools right now are all of us who offer to help. Let us help you! Just because you can be wonder mom, doesn't mean you have to:) We love ya and want to help! Thanks for sharing your memories of your dad.
Brit I didn't know your Dad had passed away, I'm so sorry. My mother-in-law passed away from cancer 4 years ago too and it is still hard! Especially when I had another baby and on Mothers' Day, those are the hardest times. Aren't you so thankful for forever families?! That is one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given us. I hope all is well with your pregnancy!
I'm so sorry about your Dad. That has got to be so tough. I can't imagine! Just know how much you are loved and that you still have support, even if we're not technically family.:)Hang in there! Let me know if you need anything and I'll see you tomorrow. Love You!
Wow britt... (sob) seriously! Maybe it's just the pregnancy in me too but that made me so emotional! I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, you are so strong! I can't totally relate, but sympathize... life is hard, but we are so lucky to have the knowledge of this Gospel that we do. I can't imagine trying to cope with the loss of a loved one, especially a parent without it! If you ever need anything, just down the road ;)
There is nothing so precious as the memories of a loved one. My heart goes out to you for your loss, but how wonderful it is that you can still carry on his legacy and teach your children about how great your dad is.
I remember how hard it was for you when your dad died and I agree, that's a loss that doesn't seem to go away--we just learn how to deal with it better in our day-to-day. The pain is still there. In the grand scheme of things this life is so short and you *will* be together again very soon. But we are such children in a spiritual sense. Waiting to see our loved ones again is as hard as a 2 yr old waiting for dessert after dinner! :-) Hope that wasn't too silly of an analogy!
I liked your pops...the one time I met him. You are a lot like him. At least that;) So sorry about 'May' tho..I know it's a hard month for you.
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